I have no memory of this place
On the long and winding road a novel takes to its final form, and my book's dedication.
This is going to be one of those statements that sounds strange to non-writers and #relatable to other authors, but I’ve forgotten so much about my novel that’s coming out later this month. Did I write it? Allegedly. Could I pick any given paragraph out of a lineup? Wouldn’t bet my life on it. But this actually makes sense! I haven’t read WHEN I’M HER since I reviewed pass pages—the final stage of editing—back in September. I’ve also finished a “zero draft” (aka a really shitty first draft) of my next novel and I’m working on shoring it up and filling its spaces for the next iteration. Book 3 is very different from Book 2. Different book = different headspace = book amnesia.
However, I’ve got interviews coming up where I’ll be expected to talk about my novel like I know what it’s about, so I’ve been looking over old drafting notes and the PDF of the book itself. (I’ll get a box of physical copies from my publisher as part of my contract, but I’m still waiting for those to show up on my doorstep.)
Reconnecting with a book you wrote is really reconnecting with the writer you were months or years ago when you wrote it. You read certain passages and are blown away by your own insight and erudition. You skim others and wonder WTF you were thinking when you allowed this paragraph to be printed in a book where other people will read it. I’ve done this with my old fanfiction as well, though the shrinking-in-shame reaction is more frequent where that’s concerned (really, Past Sarah, the love interest can just say something! He doesn’t have to growl it!) But mostly, with WHEN I’M HER, I’m impressed with the amount of growing I did as a writer. It was the first book I wrote under contract, which was stressful but now I can finish a draft in like four months instead of ten. Writing this book taught me so much about the mechanics of storytelling, and I truly believe it’s a banger. If you read it, I hope you’ll agree.
Reading your past writing is also peering through a kind of reverse periscope into your former self. I read a page and I’m transported back into pandemic times, or directly after. I’m not sure I like being back there, even though I had a comparatively easy time. One big choice I made was to set the novel in a parallel, one-universe-over world where there are few brand names and the city in which the main characters live is unnamed. This was strongly guided by my aversion to grappling with COVID-19 in fiction while I was living alongside it in real life. I notice a lot of post-2020 novels do this, kind of gloss over COVID or maybe mention masks in passing or something, but I wanted to be intentional about my avoidance lol.
(I also had other reasons for my setting, which include the main characters Mary and Elizabeth being disconnected from their own lives—almost standing outside them—so they can never truly be grounded in their world. Hence the lack of place names and recognizable landmarks.)
In my original draft, I dedicated the book
“To the friends and frenemies of my youth, for inspiration.”
This was totally appropriate for the story I was writing, which centers around the fallout from the sometimes supportive but mostly toxic friendship between two very different women. While writing the book, I ruminated a lot about things that happened between me and my friends when I was much younger. We weren’t always as kind to one another as we could have been! But I still treasure my memories of those relationships even if I’m no longer connected to all of the people involved (mainly for season-of-life reasons rather than any kind of grudge—trust me I am not looking to revenge-swap bodies with anyone at this point in my life!)
I ended up dedicating the novel to my friend Stephenie, whom I’ve known since our twenties and who passed away in 2022. I’m not going to get into my feelings about what it’s like to lose friends much too soon, or the guilt that comes with still being here—being fine, thriving even—when this person you cared so much about is gone. Dedicating a book to Stephenie feels like a weak tribute, but it’s the best I can do at this point.
Steph’s and my friendship was about as far from Mary and Elizabeth’s as you could get, though it did have a similar extrovert-forcibly-adopts-introvert dynamic at the beginning. We were thrown together in proximity (her fiance at the time was my housemate) and my dumb ass didn’t realize we were actual friends until she asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.
She was smart, generous, and funny as hell. Through the years I was continually impressed and inspired by her openness to new experiences, the way she gave of herself and her time and energy, her commitment to furthering sustainability, and her ability to connect with people wherever she went. We’re attracted to people who have things in common with us, but I think we’re most struck by the qualities our friends have that we lack.
I’m crying now so I’ll move on, but I do think that some of the most compelling friendships both in fiction and real life are between people who are very different. Sometimes that begets envy and competition, but it doesn’t have to. The relationship can be beautiful and supportive and a source of joy.
Author updates
I’m having a launch event! My launch for THE OTHER ME was virtual *cries in pandemic debut* so I’m very excited to celebrate with friends and readers in person! I’ll be in conversation with fellow Florida author Alicia Thompson, who writes funny, heartfelt, amazing books about people falling in love.
Join us on March 26 at 6:30 at Third House Books in Gainesville FL.
Reading/watching/listening
System Collapse by Martha Wells
Abbott Elementary
I’ve Never Been Here Before by Erick the Architect
If you enjoy my ramblings, you might like my books!
The Other Me, which PopSugar called a “Black Mirror-esque rabbit hole,” is an inventive page-turner about the choices we make and the ones made for us.
When I’m Her asks the question: How far would you go to get even with the woman who ruined your life? Out March 26, 2024.
Aw, I loved reading your tribute to your friend. And I'm so excited about doing your event with you!! I'm reading these newsletters now with a notepad and pen in hand lol.